


chlorinated water(melons)

by breyean (imgoingtohellforthis_saveme)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Crack, Lady GaGa - Freeform, M/M, Next Door Neighbor au, Showers, Watermelons, also jin breaks his left pinky toe, and when I say crack I MEAN crack, if you've read attack of the watermelons this is similar in style, pickup lines that are about water composition, reading these tags will in no way help you understand what the heck actually goes down in this fic, the "yeoboseyo? I mean hello who's there?" girl is here in spirit, you better BELIEVE oli london is spelled once as "oil" so look out for that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 11:15:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22969099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imgoingtohellforthis_saveme/pseuds/breyean
Summary: It's not a y/n, but somehow it's worse.Joshua has been living peacefully in his apartment when he hears a knock on the door (right after he gets out of the shower and is dripping wet). He runs out, dripping, and opens the door to find - gasp - Yoon Jeonghan! His hot new neighbor who Joshua has been avoiding because he's just too cute.Featuring Breyean and Jin being idiots.Oli London is here, but he is also an idiot.Enjoy :)
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Kim Seokjin | Jin/Original Male Character(s), kim seokjin | Jin/breyean
Comments: 15
Kudos: 11





	chlorinated water(melons)

**Author's Note:**

> mario's voice: wa-hoo!

___________

  
  


Joshua’s phone rings. He leaps out of the shower, spraying water everywhere.

(How he actually heard his phone while in the shower, especially because it was in a completely different room, is not important.)

He picks it up. It’s a Facetime call.

_Hell no._ He has exactly 1 article of clothing on, and that is a sock stuck to the bottom of his foot.

It keeps ringing, except it’s not really ringing, It’s playing Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” (but only the “P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face (mum-mum-mum-mah)” part over and over on a loop).

It’s from Breyean.

_Wait_.

Breyean? Breyean never calls him. Actually, Breyean never calls anyone. He’s too cool for that. He’s not like the other girls, always on their phones. He sends messages by carrier pigeon, or by carrier seagull if his pigeon has clocked out for the day.

P P P POKER FACE P P POKER FACE

mum mum mum mah

P P P POKER FACE P P POKER FACE

_Honestly. what could be this important?_

Joshua has soaked a small puddle into his carpet. He didn’t dry off after his shower, after all, and is still dripping. Where is all of this water coming from? It should have all fallen off by now.

P P P POKER FACE P P POKER FACE

He flexes his massive pecs and yeets the water off in a truly impressive display. His ass is still wet, though, so he does precisely 1 twerk, harder than he ever has in his life, and all the water flies off as well.

Now that he is completely dry, he flicks his hair and answers the call. Audio only (Breyean doesn’t need to see his dick out, nor his massive pecs).

(Why did he just do all that drying off, you may ask. I’m not sure. He isn’t sure either).

P P P-

“Yeoboseyo? I mean, hello? Who’s there?”

It is indeed Breyean. He is sitting on the couch, surrounded by watermelons. They are all wearing hats for some reason, and one of them has a very precariously balanced tissue box on top of it.

“Hi, Shua. I’m sorry, but I didn’t know who to call, and you, my ex-boyfriend who’s super hot but also really nice and still my friend and will probably make my current boyfriend very jealous but I don’t care because I’m oblivious, seemed like the obvious choice.”

“Oh! Arasso… I mean, okay!”

“Anyways, Jin told me he loved me, but as he went to go down on one knee he slipped and fell and broke his left pinky toe! I don’t know what I’m gonna do!”

“Jinjayo?? I mean, really?”

“Yes! I’m just so sad, Shua. I miss him so much.”

Joshua hears Jin’s voice screeching from the side of the screen. “WHAT? I’m right here!”

Breyean doesn’t bat a single eyelash.

“Sometimes I miss him so much I can even hear his voice. Oh, Shua, what should I do?”

Joshua raises half of his eyebrow. Control, he calls it. He’s about to say… something, he’s not quite sure what, when he sees Jin wheel into the room in a wheelchair (didn’t he break his left pinky toe? why does he need a wheelchair?) and fall out of the chair onto Breyean with a very unsexy grunt.

“JIN! YOU’RE ALIVE!”

“Of course I’m alive!” and Breyean’s big blue orbs stare into Jin’s dark, soulful, hungry, deep, bottomless pit black orbs. Breyean throws his mousy blonde hair up into a messy bun.

“Let’s fuck.”

And just as Jin is leaning all 3 feet and 3.54 inches down to kiss Breyean, Joshua ends the call.

  
  


_____

  
  


Joshua goes back to finish his shower. The floor is still wet, and he is dry, but he gets into the shower and gets wet again.

He is in the midst of holding an impromptu concert for himself when the water starts to get cold, so he whips his towel off of the rack with slightly more vigor than necessary. Just as he is about to wrap it around his waist without drying any part of him first, as one does, he hears a knock on his door.

_Christ on a bike cycling to mass on a Friday. What is it this time._

“COMING!” he screeches, voice undulating in the air, screechy like Tom and Jerry Jerry’s theoretical voice.

He runs through the house, dripping water everywhere. He flings open the front door and glares at the man standing on the other side.

“Dude, what the heck?” It’s Jeonghan, his hot, sexy, new next-door neighbor, who Joshua totally has a crush on but refuses to admit, so he just avoids coming into any contact with him at any cost. This includes sliding down the rail of the staircase while screaming in terror, because Jeonghan was coming back down the hall from getting ice, and Joshua didn’t want to be seen.

“Oh.” Joshua pulls his towel more effectively around his waist, completely covering his dick this time. He kind of wants to die, so he peers out the door for a quick escape route.

“I just wanted to ask if your water had been tasting weird lately. Also, why is everything wet?” Jeonghan asks, bemused, looking past Joshua’s dripping form into his living room, which is growing watermelons from how wet it is.

“Oh, you know, just, things.” _Yeah. That was smooth. Nice one_. Joshua mentally gives himself a high five.

“Okay, well, I’m, uh, gonna go now.” And he turns to do just that.

“Ah! Wait, wait.” Because in truth, Joshua’s water has been tasting weird lately. But as soon as Jeonghan turns around, Joshua forgets what he was going to say. So he just leans awkwardly against his doorframe and tries to remember what he forgot. It does not go particularly well.

“Yes?” Jeonghan looks impatient now. That’s not good.

“I, uh, well, my water has been tasting…. weird. Yeah.”

“Oh, really? Like, super chlorinated, right?” Jeonghan steps closer, in excitement that he’s not alone in this water plight of his.

“Yeah,” Joshua says, staring into Jeonghan’s dark, brown, deep, excited, lamb-like, but also lion-like, eyes. He can’t stop himself, and takes a peek down at his lips. Oof. Those are some nice ass lips. “But I’m pretty sure that’s just a seasonal thing.”

“Really? Can you tell me more about that?” Jeonghan steps even closer, presumably so intrigued by the chemical composition of his water that he’s willing to come nearer to this crazy dripping man who runs away from him every single time they’re within 30 feet of each other.

“Yeah.” Joshua can’t stop staring at his lips. _How do your lips taste? Is that also a seasonal thing?_ Is what he wants to say, but wow would that be a terrible pick up line. “The water company actually puts less chlorine into the water in winter and spring, but because the water is colder, it lasts longer and creates that chlorine taste.”

“Fascinating.” Jeonghan is basically in Joshua’s apartment at this point. Their lips are 1.593 centimeters apart.

Joshua is beginning to panic, because it feels like his heart is going to punch a hole in his massive left pec and bleed out all over the floor. Which would be bad, because damn did he work hard to get that pec. However, he isn’t sure what to do with this situation.

Jeonghan leans closer. Their lips are now 0.968 centimeters apart. “How do your lips taste? Is that also a seasonal thing?” He says, reaching out to lightly brush over Joshua’s bottom lip with one of his wack ass triple jointed fingers.

Joshua passes out. _Did he steal my pickup line? That I didn’t even say, so it’s not stealing but still?_ is the last thought on his mind before it all goes s black.

  
  


____

  
  


Joshua wakes up 15.68749 minutes later. (Only Breyean can faint for such precise amounts of time. Joshua is proud of himself). As he opens his eyelids, which feel about as light as watermelons on his face, he sees his good friend Oli London frantically waving a bottle labeled “Smelly Salts” in front of his nose.

He groans. “Oli, you’re supposed to wave those in front of my nose, not yours.”

Oli shrugs. “Sorry, dude, but they smelled so good I couldn’t stop.”

Jeonghan, who is still here, squints at the label on the bottle. “Those aren’t even smelling salts.”

Oil shrugs. “Sorry, dude, but they were the closest thing I had.”

Jeonghan, who is still here, kneels down. “Bro, are you okay?”

Joshua just closes his eyes again and hopes that he can pass out again. He doesn’t. “Am I still in a towel?”

“Yes.”

“Is my carpet still wet?”

“It’s been fifteen minutes. Of course your carpet is still wet,” the older male says.

Joshua groans and tries to pass out again. _God dammit, why can’t I faint on command like those girls from_ The Crucible _?_

He attempts to sit up, his dark, black, raven, coal, tar, asphalt, chimney soot hair flopping into his eyes. His towel slips down and his dick almost shows. Jeonghan quickly averts his eyes, fighting back his attraction to the younger male.

Jeonghan is wearing a white t-shirt, with ripped black jeans, because he’s just hot like that, and a wallet chain, although he does not appear to have a wallet anywhere on his person.

However, Joshua can’t see right now because of his Tom and Jerry Jerry’s pupils black hair is in his eyes, so he can’t appreciate this great outfit that probably took Jeonghan all of ten minutes to decide on and put on.

A shame.

Joshua puts his hand backwards to steady himself, but accidentally places it atop a watermelon. Now, watermelons are round, and do not stand up very well. This causes Joshua to flail backwards, and his dick has another close call with seeing the light of day once again.

Jeonghan averts his eyes, fighting back his attraction to the younger male.

“Watch it, you weirdo,” he growls, pulling Joshua’s towel back up. Joshua turns Tom and Jerry Tom’s tongue red. He slaps Jeonghan’s hand away.

“I can fix my own stupid towel, thanks, weirdo,” he snaps back.

“What? I’m so hot! You don’t want me to fix your towel?”

“No, I do not. Thank you sir, the door is on your left.”

Jeonghan looks to his left. “That’s a window.”

“Yes, and you are more than welcome to leave by going out through it.”

Jeonghan gasps. “You want me to jump out of your window?? And I even like you and everything!”

“Oh yeah? Well, I like you too!”

Both males stare into each others’ eyes. Both of their eyes are the exact same color.

Jeonghan pulls a wallet out of his shirt. “Do you want to go on a date?”

Joshua lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Yes. But you’re paying.”

Jeonghan raises his eyebrows. “If I wasn’t going to, would I really have pulled this wallet out of my shirt?”

“I’m not sure what to say to that.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll go change.”

As Joshua is changing, he hears Jeonghan vacuuming his entire house, including the ceiling. Does he think that this will dry the carpet? Perhaps. Perhaps not.

Joshua changes into ripped blue jeans and a nice shirt that looks like the personification of the 1980’s vomited all over it. He thinks it looks nice.

He walks out and all of the watermelons have been stacked nicely in one corner of the room, and the floor is dry.

“Aw! Thanks, babe!” He runs to Jeonghan and chucks his arms around his neck.

“No problem, babe!” Jeonghan gives him a smooch. A good old-fashioned snog, if you will.

“Why do your lips taste like chlorine?”

“It’s a seasonal thing.”

  
  


_____

**Author's Note:**

> It's in the tags but the tags are a mess, so if you liked this story I highly recommend reading "Attack of the Watermelons," another story on this psued! It has possibly even more crackhead energy and you also get to see Jin and Breyean's getting together story :)


End file.
